Lion and Lambs

Another year older, another year merrier! This is the first time in years that I spent Christmas away from my immediate familly. I can’t recall ever spending it without my boys. And it was still a good day, blessed by the Baby that came so that we would not have to suffer forever; the Baby that came so one day the lion will lay down with the lamb. Which reminds me of one of my favorite quotes:

I will honor Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year. ~Charles Dickens

This year I spent Christmas with my SO and his family. So nothing unexpected and possibly ugly would happen, I drugged myself well. I am so thankful to the medical field, that that is available to me, and even more blessed that God allowed it to work.

My baby girl, Tootsie, was with me but one of the other family members has three dogs and one of them is an alpha female like Tootsie. Bran Dee absolutely was not happy about another dog invading her territory. When she growled at Tootsie, Tootsie thought she was playing so she would let out this cute little bark and jump at Bran Dee and Bran Dee, not intending to play would snap at her and the tussle would begin. Tootsie also kept climbing on my SO’s bad knee, so I decided Tootsie needed to go visit her sister and her other mother.

At the last minute this morning, one of the families canceled and they were responsible for the vegetable tray. The tray was all we had planned for vegetables with the meal. Since I was going out already, I got designated to find an open grocery store to get some kind of vegeys. Yay Safeway! Though far, they were opened, and packed full of people!! I got about six phone calls on the way with more things people wanted. I got the last vegetable tray, the second to the last bag of marshmallows for the sweet potatoes, forget tortilla chips, and no sugar free candy!! Thankfully they had what I needed because they got wiped out at the table.

Then it was time for presents, more food, and then the annual Christmas tradition, “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation!” Though I wish they would do a version without the vulgar language, the movie is hilarious, especially when the cat gets fried under the Christmas tree.

Everyone went home after the movie, MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT!! (oops, wrong movie, but the sentiment stands!)

Besides the demands of managing school, chronic illness, and some social life, this poor blog has been left behind again. Then on top of that I have this mental block against starting. Where? What? When? How? That keeps me from journaling also, and I love what happens when I journal, but how do you start??

With guilting prompting from my loving sister, I have finished school and now am returning. Did I mention I got 100% on my Algebra final?? So I decided I don’t need a special place to start, I just need to start, so here I am.

Today is my birthday and I am sitting in the hospital with my SO who is getting total knee replacement surgery. His blood preesure was 218 over 118 and they threatened to call off the surgery, but the anethesiologist was confident she could control it so in he went. Telling all the loved ones I needed to tell, I started get anxious so I took myself out for my birthday lunch.

One of my gifts was this fantastic little laptop that only weighs 2.3 lbs with the big battery! I love it! The reason I didn’t carry my other one around was because it was so big and heavy on my bad neck and shoulders. This is great, it is about the size of a Bible cover and goes everywhere now. It is an Acer Aspire One, and it’s PINK! My phone has WiFi so I am set to go almost wherever I want.

So I wait with all the other friends and loved ones of all the other patients, waiting for some news from a surgeon. It seems a sad time of year to be in the hospital, especially unplanned. Many galbladders coming out today. I am thankful that there are hospitals though to give us relief when we need it.

Tonight it is off to Sedona for my annual slumber party. Looks like there will be 7 women this year; and lots of relaxation in front of the fireplace!!! May have snow as well and that will be beautiful if we don’t have to go out in it. Hopefully I will be able to get phone reception so I can continue my blogging….or I will have to face my sister!!

…to help me color my wings. She posted this incredible song, by Melissa Lawson for me. Though she did it and sent me the link a week ago, in God’s perfect timing I opened it today. Now while she is getting our lunch, I sit in a pool of tears. It is incredible how good it feels to be believed in, especially by someone whom I love and respect so much, and when others, who also love me, have tried to discourage me. There are more tears as I was self-doubting the last few days amidst oppressive migraines, and God knew today is when I needed to hear it.

What if it doesn’t work out? It is far better that I tried.

BUT…What if it all goes right? Thanks for your support, and for loving me the way you do!

In the recent past, as I have been feeling more and more like I am going crazy, I believe God has been trying to comfort me by showing me that I am not alone. He has given me the repeated message that the things I feel are very universal amongst chronic pain sufferers. It is always so encouraging and uplifting to know that I am not so strange, that maybe I am not sinking like I thought I was. I love how He cares for us In our suffering. I love that I am important enough to Him that He will lead me to the things I need to see to be able to continue on.

Today’s blog post by Paula Kamen once again shares the experience of a pain patient who has been to the edge. Paula explains how Hazel has to “disconnect” in order to function in the world. I was talking to my new counselor about that only yesterday, asking her if it was normal or even healthy. Paula writes:

Hazel Reese didn’t realize she was suicidal until the day she was filling out the intake form at her first appointment at Chicago’s Diamond Headache Clinic in 1982. That was when she read the question asking if she had ever tried to take her own life.

She then remembered that just recently, “I purposely had walked in front of a bus one day down at Washington and Wells. … But I never had the thought consciously of doing something to myself, like cut my wrists or something like that. I never had those kinds of thoughts,” recalled the 63-year old, in an interview over herbal tea and her homemade bran muffins at her North Side home, while a blizzard raged outside.

This mental disconnection makes sense because, like so many people with chronic pain who have to keep a full-time job, it was Hazel’s main way of coping. For her 24 years at the phone company, she put all of her energy every day into just getting through work “like a robot” — a comparison she makes often -– while keeping the pain a secret from most others. When she got home, she could do nothing but collapse.

I am thankful to Paula again for sharing this look into life with challenges.

I am not known for having a green thumb. I have always said that I could kill silk plants. Little did I know that compared to my friends, I am an expert. For fun, my friend L, bought these plants to see what we coud do with them…basically, who would kill them first. Much to my astonishment, here is my plant:

This is a few weeks after they were purchased. When I emailed this picture to my other two friends who are participating, L proceeded to turn over her dying plants to me. Mind you, this is a week after I put them in plant therapy.

When L went on and on to D about how my plant looked, she too turned over her plant to me. Not as desperate as L’s plants, this poor thing was still headed for a quick death.

Soon they will be ready to transplant into a garden. I think this forsaken place could use their flowers to brighten it up. Whatdaya think?

Eph 3:14-18

14 When I think of the wisdom and scope of His plan, I fall down on my knees and pray to the Father of all the great family of God-some of them already in heaven and some down here on earth- 16 that out of His glorious, unlimited resources He will give you the mighty inner strengthening of his Holy Spirit. 17 And I pray that Christ will be more and more at home in your hearts, living within you as you trust in Him. May your roots go down deep into the soil of God’s marvelous love; 18 and may you be able to feel and understand, as all God’s children should, how long, how wide, how deep, and how high His love really is; and to experience this love for yourselves, though it is SO GREAT that you will never see the end of it or fully know or understand it. And so at last you will be filled up with God himself.
TLB

Verse 18 makes me imagine God trying with passion to describe how great His love for us is, wanting us to understand how He feels for us, then He basically says, “There are no words, no way for Me to make you understand how great it is, because it cannot even be measured, it will NEVER end.” We cannot fathom the perfect love that God, our perfect Father, has for us.

Thank You, Kathy, for working so faithfully and so diligently to teach me about God’s love and human love. Your love and your endurance will never be forgotten.

Kathleen Ann (my older sister)
Dec 29, 1956 – February 14, 2000

My mother gave me the book, 90 Minutes in Heaven by Don Piper, over a year ago. I never picked it up because I was skeptical about the message. By the title, I incorrectly believed the entire book would be about this man’s experience in heaven. Recently I was given a more detailed description of the book and encouraged to read it. I am very thankful I got the nudge because the book shows surprising vulnerability and is very well written, easily holding my attention.

The author was in a horrific car accident and pronounced dead at the scene. He laid in the tarp covered car for more than ninety minutes. After a very lengthy and challenging recovery, including living near death for awhile and enduring many surgeries, he is left in a state of pain 24/7. His words are very encouraging to anyone who lives with chronic pain and/or illness.

All that to preface an exerpt from the book that speaks my heart, to my friends and family, words that I could never express:

Some people who have known me for a long time see me as a courageous figure. I certainly haven’t seen myself that way-not for an instant-because I know too much about the real me. …. A number of individuals have said to me in the midst of their own difficult times, “If you could go through all you endured, I can go through this.” I’m glad they’ve been heartened by my example, but I’ve had a great deal of difficulty accepting myself as a source of inspiration and courage. I don’t know how to cope with their admiration and praise, because I didn’t do anything. I wanted to die. How uplifting can that be?
When people tell me how inspiring I’ve been, I don’t argue with them, of course, but I remember only to well the time David Gentiles told me that he and others would pray me back to health. I lived because others wouldn’t let me die. Those praying friends are the ones that deserve the admiration.

So, I say thank you to Don Piper for his courage in sharing these very personal feelings; and I say thank you to my friends and family who have prayed, and continue to pray, for me. These same people, and others, never stop supporting and encouraging me. This is why I continue, and am able to persevere.

How exciting is this?!?! A treat so special, so energizing! I was dancing all over the office. Okay, I will clue the rest of you in. My incredibly talented sister remodeled my blog for me. I have loved this picture for years, see I collect lions and lambs, and think this picture is absolutely adorable.

What a treat on my birthday to log in and find my new page! Smiles all over the place!!

I wouldn’t have to post another advent calendar treat for the season because everyday that I open this it will be a treat.

THANKS SIS!!

I realize that I am a few days behind on this project, but remember when you were a kid and a few days got missed for whatever reason, then one day you got to open several? Well, I will do my best to get caught up here.

Today I was going through my “favorites” on my computer to delete ones that I haven’t looked at or needed in forever. I came across this one that absolutely brings tears to my eyes every time I see it.

For me, anytime I get to see the Budweiser Clydesdales it is an amazing treat. I just light up. I love them. What majesty and power they exude. They are a beautiful example of God’s creation, and His purpose in giving us enjoyment through the things he lovingly handcrafted for us. Then to watch this commercial and see the horses pay hommage to the memory of all that was lost on 9-11. It looks as if they actually feel the honor that they are giving. Incredible!

It is a real treat to spend time with my two sons, now 19 and 21. They are wonderful, caring, and loving, though odd looking to any outsiders. My boys wear black, like tattos and piercings, and one has the greatest long black hair. They definitely raise eyebrows, even among my own family members. It is a good lesson for all of us about judging people by their looks. My kids happen to like the look, but it doesn’t change their heart.

I love that they enjoy spending time talking to me, and are as open with me as I choose them to be. I stand on the premise that oftentimes, what I DON’T know, won’t hurt me. They never mind going someplace with me or helping me. Both boys are concerned and compassionate when I am ill, and willing to do what they can to help me. They always have a smile, a hug, and a kiss to make my day. Even as teenagers they were never embarrassed to hug and kiss me in front of their friends.

I went through a period when I compared my children to my siblings kids who are older and have accomplished, agreeably, amazing things. The “I wish…” is a dangerous thing. I know my kids hearts, and that is what matters. I have always encouraged them to be who and what they want…so far they are doing a great job of that! And they are, for the most part, happy, neither one focusing on conforming, or on money as a sign of success. I am proud of who they have and are becoming.

The very best thing about my boys? They love their mother very much! Each time I think I could never love them more, another day passes, and a mother’s heart of love grows still stronger!