Lion and Lambs

I spent about two weeks one step above dead with my migraines and chronic pain. Each day I watched the clock waiting for it to be a reasonable time to go to bed, knowing I had survived another day and it was over. I was missing a lot of work, got sent home from two classes because I looked so awful, and was barely up for taking care of and entertaining my dog as I knew I should, etc. Finally one morning I realized that this was not living, and it was barely even surviving.

I had been toying with the idea of uping my pain medication and yet I was having many fears. Tolerance, dependence, am I giving up, would it negate all the other medicine and procedures I had gone through, if I become tolerant and they need to increase the dose and then I have surgery or something and need stronger pain meds would they be effective???? and on and on and on….

Then I convinced myself of the realization that the future is too unknown and I cannot make all my decisions based on ‘what if’ in the future. If I continue to suffer with the pain, and compromise my quality of life for fear of what could happen, and then I die in a car accident next year, or they come out with new medication or better procedures, or hey, a cure, then all the suffering, the unintentional martyrdom, will have been in vain. Why can’t I ‘what if’ toward the positive?

So I decided to apply the pain patch that had been offered to me and see what would happen. Let me just say, in reference to my life as it has been, this ranks right up there with the magic bullet that Botox has been. I sleep less, function more, think clearly, connect, laugh, play, make decisions, etc. My head is soooo clear, it is shocking. So much so that I have had conversations with my pain psychologist, my docotor, to see if there is anything in it that would be like speed; something that would make me hyper or falsely engergized. The answer was no, it is just that the pain is relieved and the pain was causing so much fatigue, nausea, malaise, etc. that relieving the pain relieves all the secondary effects of pain. I was feeling so good that I was still in disbelief. Could the pain really be causing me to feel not only the severe pain, but generalized yuch (mild flu, hit by truck)? I went and questioned two different pharmacists and got the same answer. No, it is just that your pain is being relieved. I couldn’t find anything about it on the web. In more than five years of dealing with this, no doctor has ever conveyed this information to me, including my pain specialists??

So now I am of a mind that life is WAY too short to suffer needlessly!! Yay pain patch. And I think to myself, “This must be what most people feel like.” May my doctors never restrict me!

The group, Tree63, wrote anamazing song with a metaphor that I repeat often to get through my days. Since Good Friday is used as the metaphor for the darkness in this world, what better time to share it with you? Here is part of it, the full lyrics can be found at Jesus Freak Hideout. I thank them for sharing!

Someone kneels in the dark somewhere
And darkness is already crumbling
It’s Friday, but Sunday comes

Sunday – Hallelujah – it’s not so far, it’s not so far away
Sunday – Hallelujah – it’s not so far, it’s not so far away

Broken promises, weary hearts
But one promise remains:
Crucified, he will come again
It’s Friday, but Sunday is coming
It’s Friday, but Sunday is coming

It’s Friday, but Sunday is coming!!

In the recent past, as I have been feeling more and more like I am going crazy, I believe God has been trying to comfort me by showing me that I am not alone. He has given me the repeated message that the things I feel are very universal amongst chronic pain sufferers. It is always so encouraging and uplifting to know that I am not so strange, that maybe I am not sinking like I thought I was. I love how He cares for us In our suffering. I love that I am important enough to Him that He will lead me to the things I need to see to be able to continue on.

Today’s blog post by Paula Kamen once again shares the experience of a pain patient who has been to the edge. Paula explains how Hazel has to “disconnect” in order to function in the world. I was talking to my new counselor about that only yesterday, asking her if it was normal or even healthy. Paula writes:

Hazel Reese didn’t realize she was suicidal until the day she was filling out the intake form at her first appointment at Chicago’s Diamond Headache Clinic in 1982. That was when she read the question asking if she had ever tried to take her own life.

She then remembered that just recently, “I purposely had walked in front of a bus one day down at Washington and Wells. … But I never had the thought consciously of doing something to myself, like cut my wrists or something like that. I never had those kinds of thoughts,” recalled the 63-year old, in an interview over herbal tea and her homemade bran muffins at her North Side home, while a blizzard raged outside.

This mental disconnection makes sense because, like so many people with chronic pain who have to keep a full-time job, it was Hazel’s main way of coping. For her 24 years at the phone company, she put all of her energy every day into just getting through work “like a robot” — a comparison she makes often -– while keeping the pain a secret from most others. When she got home, she could do nothing but collapse.

I am thankful to Paula again for sharing this look into life with challenges.

I am not even sure where I heard this in my past, but I took notes, and just ran across them again. As Christians, we usually talk about being given “grace for the moment” “grace to endure” “grace for the situation” etc. Grace that is focused on the problem we are facing. Paul is one of the most quoted in this:

To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. -2Cor12:7-9 niv

Then someone pointed out that God’s grace is sufficient whether I am asked to carry the burden, or I am asked to watch someone else carry a burden. God gives us participant grace and spectator grace, and we need to be careful not to cross the line into something God has not called us to. Yes, He asks us to

Bear one another’s burdens, and thereby fulfill the law of Christ. -Gal 6:2 nasb

but it doesn’t mean to fix it for them. It doesn’t say to carry it instead of them. We are to be there for them, supporting them, encouraging them.

I spoke of this previously in a post here, before I had heard someone explain it in simple terms.

No matter which side you are on, suffering is never easy. Watching someone carry a burden is a suffering all it’s own, feeling helpless as someone we love and care about experiences pain. Oftentimes I would rather take the suffering upon myself, than to watch someone else struggle under it’s weight. However, that is not my job and by doing so, would cause us both to miss our lesson, and in that, the Blessing.

On the subject of being more vulnerable:

In September several of us attended a Chonda Pierce concert. It was one week before she recorded her new video, and though I was excited at the thought that she would being “practicing” her new stuff on us, I was thinking that it would have been fun to actually attend a recording. After experiencing the evening in which she talked for 3 hours non-stop, and then recently watching the 1.5 hour video, I am convinced we got the better end of the deal. The video is excellent however, and I have given several copies away. In person, Chonda completely opened herself to us, and it was an amazingly fantastic evening!

She stated that in deciding to be vulnerable in such a public way, she had sought the Word of God for healing and direction. Not knowing where to look, she started “in the begining…” Genesis. In the garden before the fall, God created Adam, and then Eve, and Gen 2:25 nlt states:

Now the man and his wife were both naked, but they felt no shame.

What I’ve longed for most all my life is to be able to look at the body of Christ and tell the absolute truth and for them to accept me right where I am. -Chonda Stayin Alive Laughing

She goes on with her story. Then came the eating of the forbidden fruit and the world turned. Adam and Eve felt shame, and tried by their own efforts to cover their shame with fig leaves, a symbol of our constantly trying to cover our sins with our own efforts.

At that moment their eyes were opened, and they suddenly felt shame at their nakedness. So they sewed fig leaves together to cover themselves. Gen 3:7 nlt

The Father takes a walk in the garden and asks:

“Where are you?” Gen 3:9 nlt

not because He didn’t know where they were physically, because He was asking about their hearts. The Father loves His children, the way He hopes we will learn to love each other. We should be concerned about one anothers hearts, under the coverings, and not make them feel shame for it. Adam replies to God:

“I heard you walking in the garden, so I hid. I was afraid because I was naked.” Gen 3:10 nlt

And in God’s incredible heartfelt concern He says:

“Who told you that you were naked?” Gen 3:11

for He never intended us to know. His plan was for unashamed fellowship between His children. We corrupted that.

So I ask you, as you hide from others, Who told you that you were naked? Who made you feel shame?

Who hurt you in such a way that you lost that sweet innocence that I created you to be? Who told you, you were unlovable? -Chonda, Stayin Alive Laughing

It wasn’t the Heavenly Father. His heart, as Chonda put it, would say,

“I hate that you found out what evil looks like.”

In a picture of what He knew was ahead for His future children, and out of His unconditional love, the Father sacrifices an animal to cover Adam and Eve in their shame. “The first death of something He created.” God knows that blood must be shed to cover sin.

note: Her book, Laughing in the Dark, is available here for those who want to read the detailed version of her unashamed story.

In an effort to gain control of my migraine disease, I scan the internet daily for new research and information on the subject. On September 4, 2007, the American Academy of Neurology published a study in their medical journal Neurology, regarding the link between Migraine, depression, and childhood abuse. I discovered the information in an article written by Teri Robert for Health Central on MyMigraineConnection.com. As I was beginning to believe depression was becoming a bigger issue, though never wanting to admit it, it got me to thinking.

I decided after much personal debate and reflection, to mention this to my neurologist. He suggested that I talk to someone about it, that chronic pain is closely linked to depression and anxiety, and left untreated they can take on a mind of their own. That was enough to scare me into action, I certainly didn’t need a new difficult to treat problem.

I prayed about the situation because I really wanted a Christian counselor if I was going to open myself up to anyone. Through God’s guidance, I found a woman with whom I am very comfortable and my insurance covers it. Double Praise! So now, I truly am happy to say, I have a new team member as part of my total treatment program for migraine and it’s comorbid buddies.

My dear friend always tells me that though we wish we could tunnel around painful issues, we really have to walk through them to get to the other side. It is time to walk through this pain, rather than keeping it locked away, so I can heal that part of me and hopefully it will have an effect on my migraines as well.

I have never wanted to be too personal on such a public place, but it is through openness that we can help and encourage others, and in the process perhaps, inspire hope. That is my desire.

Update: Just reviewing my old posts under brokenness and came across this one, where I resolved almost two years ago, not to hide my pain. Perhaps that is why I was directed to look back tonight.

My mother gave me the book, 90 Minutes in Heaven by Don Piper, over a year ago. I never picked it up because I was skeptical about the message. By the title, I incorrectly believed the entire book would be about this man’s experience in heaven. Recently I was given a more detailed description of the book and encouraged to read it. I am very thankful I got the nudge because the book shows surprising vulnerability and is very well written, easily holding my attention.

The author was in a horrific car accident and pronounced dead at the scene. He laid in the tarp covered car for more than ninety minutes. After a very lengthy and challenging recovery, including living near death for awhile and enduring many surgeries, he is left in a state of pain 24/7. His words are very encouraging to anyone who lives with chronic pain and/or illness.

All that to preface an exerpt from the book that speaks my heart, to my friends and family, words that I could never express:

Some people who have known me for a long time see me as a courageous figure. I certainly haven’t seen myself that way-not for an instant-because I know too much about the real me. …. A number of individuals have said to me in the midst of their own difficult times, “If you could go through all you endured, I can go through this.” I’m glad they’ve been heartened by my example, but I’ve had a great deal of difficulty accepting myself as a source of inspiration and courage. I don’t know how to cope with their admiration and praise, because I didn’t do anything. I wanted to die. How uplifting can that be?
When people tell me how inspiring I’ve been, I don’t argue with them, of course, but I remember only to well the time David Gentiles told me that he and others would pray me back to health. I lived because others wouldn’t let me die. Those praying friends are the ones that deserve the admiration.

So, I say thank you to Don Piper for his courage in sharing these very personal feelings; and I say thank you to my friends and family who have prayed, and continue to pray, for me. These same people, and others, never stop supporting and encouraging me. This is why I continue, and am able to persevere.

So much has happened in the last few weeks that have taken my motivation to write. A close friend’s dad died, then a week later she miscarried her baby, the next day my sister lost her beloved dog (child), my son’s new car got hit and runned, four days later my dear friend was diagnosed with breast cancer, had a double mastectomy the next week, then four days after that my father died instantly from a stroke. Tuesday we went to the funeral and all six of us children were obliterated from his life memorial. Wow. (that was actually humorous in a way, but still it stung)

This morning my sister sent me the link to this video entitled “Come to Jesus” and sung by Mindy Smith. I think sis can see into my soul right now, my soul that longs to be with Jesus.

I chock it up to the migraines killing off all my serotonin that I would normally have to cope with such things. And yes, I have all the head knowledge of, turning it all over to Jesus; of surrendering to His plan; and of Him working all things togther for the good; etc., I am just having trouble convincing my neurotransmitters of it all right now.

Through tragic news from my very dear sister in Christ, I am learning just how interdependent we are in God’s family. He uses the things in our lives to create comfort and learning for each other. My friend, though loyal to mammograms, has found out that she has stage 3 breast cancer. Not nearly as much as hers, it rocked my world. It consumed my thoughts.

I am amazed that I could become just as consumed by a trial in her life as I have done in my own. It was pretty much all I have thought and prayed about after hearing it, including in the middle of the night, and the first thought when I awoke in the morning. Then after speaking to God about it again, He said, “Can you trust Me with with your sister, as your sister has been learning to trust Me with you?” WOW. I cried. I know she is going to come through this with an amazing testimony, because God has been molding her into an amazing woman, and the story and the strength she will be able to share with others, I know will be invaluable. But the price of a testimony is so high. I just want to be able to take her heart and hold it and protect it until all the painful parts have passed. I want to protect her not only from pain, but also from people. I want to protect her from this. But I know that God is going to protect her IN this, and that He will do a much better job than I ever could, and according to His perfect plan, she will come out the other side even more beautiful than she is now. And if I protected her from the pain, I would halt the growing and the beauty that will come from it. But letting go is hard, accepting pain in another’s life is contradictory to our feelings.

Over the years that she has been supporting me through migraine disease, she has felt similar feelings. She has sent me many e-mails with scripture verses, encouraging articles, and loving words. She is the one who pointed me to Dave Dravecky’s Outreach of Hope, which is a ministry devoted to cancer patients. Now I have directed her back. She was the teacher for “When God Weeps, Why Our Sufferings Matter to the Almighty“, which helped me tremendously in my walk, and gave me much strength and encouragement. All the lessons, all the love, all the Words from the Father that she has given me, apply to her now. All this time, through her ministering to me, God was preparing her for her trial. The cancer did not surpise Him, and He wanted His daughter to be ready when the news came. He is SO FAITHFUL and SO GOOD!

So as I have been on the journey of endurance and letting go of me, all that God has taught me through my trial, and will continue to teach me, will help me release her to the Father also. It is a “circle of life” within God’s handiwork, within His immeasureable love. Sometimes we give, and sometimes we receive, and sometimes, they are both the same thing.

Last night I was blessed to see a preview of The Nativity Story. First let me say how excited I am that this story is being shown on the big screen all across the nation, and secondly how excited I am that it was done so well. The set, the props, the actors, all looked very authentic. They were even careful to include the culture and traditions of the times. The storyline was very close to the bible, which of course pleased me because I was afraid it would get “Hollywoodized.” The few changes I did notice left me wondering what was their purpose, as it didn’t add anything to the flow of the movie.

There was an exchange in the movie that really set me to contemplation. Joseph and Mary are on their way to Bethlehem and they pass through an area with shepherds. One shepherd who invited them to share his fire, said to Mary that we each recieve a gift, her’s was what she was carrying inside her. She asked him what his gift was and he replied that he didn’t have one, only the HOPE of a gift. Of course that was Jesus. I speak of hope here so often that naturally it caught my attention. Our hope of salvation was fulfilled before we were even created, and now what we have is the hope of eternal life, in heaven, with Jesus. That leaves us with a reason to hope everyday, even when things like disease, death, finances, etc. try to rob us of it.

The director, Catherine Hardwicke, is quoted on the Nativity website saying, “…I hope audiences can relate to the film on a personal level and find some inspiration to get through their challenges and difficulties.” My inspiration was in the reality of how Mary was carrying the Son of God in her womb and yet things were not at all easy for her, or for her people. God could have done anything to make life simple for the mother of the King of Kings, and yet he allowed them to endure hardship so that we could relate and find our hope and encourgement in Him. No room for “yeah, but” in His story.

Yes, God can change any of our circumstances, make our life easy, but would that profit us or others within an eternal perspective? It is in the challenges that we have the opportunity to become more like Him.